I told myself that I was going to bed early last night, but after closing my laptop, I hopped right on TikTok. It was around 12am and I was only on the app for a few minutes, when a close friend of mine called me on facetime. Although it was dark in both of our backgrounds, I could see that she looked sad. When I asked, she immediately told me that she just found out that day that a friend of hers died. I remember seeing her note on Instagram, but assumed she was talking about another famous person gone too soon. My initial response was to go to Twitter for an update, but all I saw was a "R.I.P." picture of someone I didn't know, posing with a celebrity. I then realized she was talking about said person.
She discussed how the cause of death immediately triggered her and how just this one instance took her back to that period in her life when she too was considering to take one's life. I sat and listened to her recount those memories, vividly remembering our talks during that time. She was going through a lot and I tried to be there for her as much as I could and as much as she allowed me to be. She made a comment about how the only reason she decided not to go through with her decision is because she immediately thought about how it would affect the people that she worked with. Her exact words were: "I just thought it was selfish because then someone else would have to come into work the following day." We both laughed at this thought which lightened the mood a little but I also told her how glad I was that she didn't go through with it.
I asked if she remembered what triggered her episodes and her response was COVID. We discussed how easy it is for us to avoid our issues, traumas and triggers. We distract ourselves with a multitude of things: going out/partying, drinking, friendships, relationships, WORK, etc. It doesn't help that social media is so easily accessible and everyone looks like they're having the time of their lives (guilty). We're so used to compartmentalizing, that quarantine was a time for us to face ourselves (or at least that's how I looked at it). We weren't able to go outside for a while which forced a lot of us to deal with whatever it was, we were running from. To me, quarantine was a time for us to get comfortable with ourselves, being as though it was advised for us to lessen our in-person interactions. She mentioned how quarantine forced her to deal with her traumas that she was avoiding. She also mentioned how hard it was to do so which I completely understood. I remember the amount of people that were online discussing how hard it was and how alone they really felt. I remember feeling the same way. We as humans are designed for social interactions.
She mentioned how all of this led to her finally starting therapy, but how hard it was to end those sessions, then go about her day at work like everything was fine. This was my time to chime in. It's so easy for us to get wrapped up in perfectionism and how we're supposed to have it ALL together ALL the time. It should be normal for us to have breakdowns if needed, whether that's at work, in the confines of your home or even out with a friend. Times are HARD and life is challenging, no matter how good we make it look. We deserve that safe space to just let go, to feel. Most people don't naturally have that safe space and have to create it themselves.
She made a comment about how exhausted she was of having to put on her big girl clothes every day. How she just wanted a year of no deaths, no sickness, just happiness. I know we get tired of hearing this but God really doesn't give us nothing we can't handle. "Today is April 5th, 2023.
You're saying you can't handle it, but you've made it this far. Even through all of that you are here now. And maybe this is your story to share once you achieve that happiness" is what I told her. I also tried my hardest to sympathize with her because if anyone understands, I do.
"How am I supposed to create a safe space and show up for myself when I'm sad and tired?" is what she asked me. This was my time to be completely vulnerable with her. I told her how down I was after having to walk away from someone I thought God sent me to grow and be with (you know it hits different when you THINK God himself sent a person into your life). She knew how I felt about the situation, but only to a certain extent. It was hard, but I allowed myself to feel those emotions: that sadness, anger, hurt, etc. For the entire month of March, I journaled. My sister sent me a 31-day shadow work prompt, that I then sent to 3 of my friends (this friend included). Every day I not only read my bible app, but I did a journal prompt as well. Writing helps for me and it always did. I told her how during that time, I journaled every single thing whether I was feeling sad about the situation or happy that it ended. As long as I got those feelings out of my head and onto paper, I felt a little better. I also started to check in with myself daily and write what I was feeling in my notes app. I also took a step away from Twitter because during that time, the tweets were triggering. EVERY single tweet seemed like it was about my situation and I knew that seeing stuff like that 24-7 was no good for my mental health. Now, I did slip up a few times, but for the most part I think I did good lol. I told her how there are times when I have meltdowns but I immediately (and I mean immediately) pick myself back up. "I know what I'm placed on this Earth to do. I know what God's plans are for me. Yes, I get sad and allow myself to be sad, but I also remind myself that I have things I'm trying to accomplish and I can't do so by being sad." This is how I pick myself back up but I also know that it's not that easy for everyone.
This conversation was a huge step for the both of us because we are both uncomfortable with vulnerability. I applauded her for even coming to me to have this talk, because this is something I deal with myself: choosing not to "bother" friends/family afraid of feeling like a burden. But honestly, what the heck are your friends and close family for? I never want my friends to feel like they're a burden. I also need to stop allowing myself from feeling like a burden. We need community.
We discussed what her next steps would be in her journey. I also remembered how she use to color in a coloring book during COVID and suggested she picked that back up. I also let her know that she is loved. That she brings light to someone else's darkness and I just want whoever is reading this to feel this as well. You are loved and deserve every right to be here.
Please feel free to share in the comments below how you cope with period of sadness, grief, loss, heartbreak, depression and so on. Someone may need it <3
Help is available:
Please call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988
or
Contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741
So beautiful. I’m so proud to be your momma.