I reached out to a friend from elementary school last week after I heard that she was mocking this poly couple on TikTok live. Now I don’t really know too much about this couple, only what my sisters tell me. To sum it up: the relationship is between a man and two women. Both women are very submissive to the point where the guy literally controls everything in the relationship. They have a huge platform on TikTok and people get on their lives to tell them about themselves (which I applaud), my friend being one of them. When I asked what was said, she mentioned a few things: that the guy will always surround himself around docile women because it’s easier for him to control them and to control “how” they love him. She also mentioned how desperate he is for that type of dynamic because it’s something he was disregarded as a child. She then says that he doesn’t know what it means to be a real man so he relies on those masculinity tropes of having multiple women and being “strong” to guide him and that’s why he’s so lost. WHEW!
From that conversation stemmed a few other talking points, so I’m going to start with our dating lives:
She feels as though everything in her life is going the way it should be, except for in the love department and I mentioned how it’s usually like that for me too. Literally everything could be going great, except in the love department, but I never focused too much on it. I told her that I used to be in this mindset where I have to wait until everything else falls into place in order to be in love. It never felt “right” to focus on love when everything else was out of alignment. It wasn’t until maybe 2021 when I realized that was a scarcity mindset and that sometimes one thing might come before the other and that’s ok. As long as you’re still working towards everything else, no harm can be done. In some instances, love will come first, and if it’s right, that’ll cause everything else to fall into alignment. Sometimes it’s the other way around with another aspect of our lives.
We then moved onto family dynamics and we both agreed that we weren’t exposed to the 50-50 dynamic growing up. Now this pertains strictly to the bills. The men handled their households and were providers, protectors AND leaders when it came to that aspect. Now we're both eldest daughters and the eldest daughter, 9 times out of 10, usually have this hyper-independence to them, which we all know is a trauma response. There’s nothing wrong with being independent, but TOO independent to the point where we don’t “allow” or “accept” help, could be a problem. We agreed that we both have this “I’ll do it myself” mentality because at the end of the day, we know it’ll get done.” I really don’t like waiting nor depending on people BUT this shouldn’t be the case when you’re in a relationship. We both agreed how it’s important for ALL women, especially those who already do for themselves, to have a partner that alleviates the stresses that comes with that role we took on at a young age. Now this doesn’t mean that we’re relying on our partner to take those feelings away or to heal those wounds BUT, having someone understand the way we’re wired and then providing that safe space for us to just “be” is important. She mentioned how as a single mom, it’s hard for her to tap into her femineity because she’s the head of the household, so it’s a requirement that her partner comes and takes a load off her shoulders, which I wholeheartedly agree. Something so simple as “I got this babe” or “How can I help” would go a long way. Instead, we get the 50-50 discourse.
I told her how I ran into someone I know last week and we started talking about relationships as well. I told him that I feel as though I can have it all, in which he disagreed. Now my “having it all” might like different from your “having it all” and that's ok. What I mean is that I don’t limit myself because of what society is saying or what the next person is saying or doing. From that conversation I remembered why we fell off: he wants me to settle. Not so much with career or life goals, but in relationships and I think that’s the problem with a lot of people now. Not all, but a lot. They settle and I refuse to live in a scarcity mindset where I believe that I’m running out of time or that there’s never “enough.” That usually results in settling and my words to her were:
“God didn’t put me here to settle and I honestly don’t think he put any of us here to settle. So why do it?”
Now, I want to go back to the 50-50 dynamic because as always, it was a hot topic on twitter last week. This time, it stemmed from an interview with Gabrielle Union in which she mentioned how her and Dwayne Wade go 50-50 in the other households that they take care off. Now I didn’t watch the whole interview, I just saw pieces, but from the part that I saw, even she lives in the scarcity mindset of “if I don’t go out to work and make this money, the lights might be off the next day.” There were so many tweets following this interview, but a few stuck out to me. One tweet mentioned how women, especially mothers and wives shouldn’t have to split 50/50 with men. Given the division of physical/emotional labor, the split will always be unfair and unbalanced, which I agree. Another tweet mentioned how 50/50 usually benefits men: men want to split rent and bills, but not the effort and this is why most women would rather do it on their own, which again, I agree. When it comes to 50/50, men benefit more because not only do they now have someone there to cook, clean, and alleviate their sexual tensions, they get all of that added for half the price. The account mentioned that if you want to go 50/50 then EVERYTHING needs to be split: ALL the household chores. Everything should be equal and I couldn’t stress this enough.
Now let’s talk about those patriarchal gender roles that people love subscribing to. When we think of a family, 9 times out of 10 we envision the mother as the homemaker and the father as the provider. In many instances, it’s the major responsibility of the mother to raise the children and this dynamic is also the same for the working woman. She works outside AND inside the home, i.e., my mom and was/is the same for a lot of mothers. This division of labor reproduces oppression, inequality and could also lead to mental, physical and emotional exhaustion. I was able to witness both dynamics growing up: mom going to work, stepdad taking care of the household, but mom still pulling her weight around the house AND dad going to work and stepmom taking care of the household.
I think it’s important to discuss topics like gender roles in the early stages of a relationship. A lot of us have very opposing views when it comes to providing for our significant others and our families. I came across this TikTok and at first, I was going to scroll passed because it was a bunch of men sitting around the table and we all know that videos like that are always controversial. But, the topic of the discussion was “Self-actualized men speaking on what providing means.” In the video, one man mentioned how a lot of men think that providing JUST means taking care of the bills and finances and if you asked a woman in 1922 what providing was, it might have looked like control to her. Back then, women weren’t able to do anything; we couldn’t even have credit cards in our name. The “structure” in society was different back then. He mentioned how since everyone at the table is more self-actualized, they realized that providing is more so aligned with security. Providing might look like making sure EVERYTHING is good at home, especially making sure that your wife is emotionally taken care of. Another man brought up how people have things deeper than financial concerns: in their spiritual, mental and emotional life and that’s where a partner comes into play. He mentioned a few things: “How do you hold somebody up when they feel spirituality, mentally and emotionally weak? Do you offer yourself or do you crush on people when their down? When you don’t have the courage, sometimes you hold your partner’s courage when they don’t have the strength to believe in something they want to do, fix or something they want to heal. Just by showing up and providing words of encouragement, you bring that spiritual, mental and emotional strength. That’s what providing is.” I think that is so important because a lot of people don’t take this into consideration when talking about relationships. It’s always the 50-50 conversation, or “Can you cook?” It never seems to be questions that really have you tap into who you are as a being and how you show up for yourself and others. But how can you show up for someone in those ways and you can't even do It for yourself? So yeah, the only questions you might feel qualified to ask are “Can you cook?”
Another man brought up another good point about how in today’s age women are successful and that they’ve learned to do without men. Which is what my friend and I was talking about earlier this week. Women learned to become the men that they need (which he apologized for saying, but again, it’s true). He mentioned that provision is providing what’s lacking and that doesn’t necessarily mean finances. If the woman has the finances intact, let her do that for the time, but you as a man should find other ways to show up for her and the relationship. “Provision is whatever the other person is lacking.”
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