New Beginnings

I've been working since high school. Although my first "job" was an "under the table" job, it was still work to me. I wanted my own cell phone, a nice cell phone and I remember having the talk with my mom about getting one: "You're going to have to get a job and pay your own cell phone bill" she said. At the time, I was irritated. Why couldn't she just pay my cell phone bill like all my other friend's parents were doing. Looking back, I'm glad she did it that way because it forced me to get it on my own... which is my motto now. So, I decided to get a little under the table job. From there, I got my first JOB job as a sales associate at Forever 21 in Willow Grove Mall. I always wanted a mall job while in high school so I was super excited to start. After a few months, the traveling got to me. I worked during the weekday, but was only able to do closing shifts because of school. I was traveling from Willow Grove to North Philadelphia on Septa at 10/11 o'clock at night. I also worked every weekend and it felt like I was missing out on all of the college fun because of it. I remember having a talk with my dad about working. In his eyes, he wanted me to just focus on school and not work. HA! Who was going to pay for my necessities? I ended up leaving Forever 21 for another sales associate job, but this time at Zara. Honestly, that was one of my favorite jobs. The clothes, the location (center city) and the friends I made while working there made the experience worth it. I met these people when I was 20/21 years old and they have been a huge part of my life. When I think back on my time there, even though management was an issue, the hours were an issue, the traveling was an issue (lol), my friends are what kept me going.

I stayed at Zara for a year and a few months. I graduated college and felt like I needed a "big girl" job. One of my friends, also an associate at Zara, the person who trained me my very first day, left the job to work at a law firm. She encouraged me to apply and mentioned that she was close friends with someone in HR. I gave myself a week, ONE WEEK after graduation to relax and got right back into working (a mistake). The law firm was cool at first. It started off as a great first-time experience in corporate America. I was working for three white women lawyers (two of them I actually liked). Things were going good and I honestly liked the job at first, which did not last long. One by one my coworkers started quitting, people were getting fired and then there was little ol' me. I forgot to mention that I was the only Black girl in my department. There were two other Black people: one my age and one older but both were men. They eventually hired another Black girl and of course we clicked. She was not there too long because she was on her way to law school. She left and I was alone again. I didn't care to make friends with the other people there because I knew I wasn't going to be there long. I also did not trust them. That job made me realize that I never want to be the "only black person" or black woman in an establishment ever again. I didn't like the way I felt and this was shown. Yes, I kept it cordial with everyone, but as far as going out after work, happy hour, even department events, I was not for it.

I remember waking up every day dreading work. I really hated it. This time, it was not the hours, nor the traveling, it was the actual work environment. I felt like I was carrying my team, picking up everyone else's slack. The lawyers really depended on me and at first, I didn't mind, of course I can be superwoman. After a while, I realized that I had NO ROOM for error. It was as if everyone else around me was able to make mistakes and I was expected to help or fix it. It became draining and the moment I started slacking due to the heavy workload, I was brought into the office one afternoon and told that it would be my last day. I remember sitting in that meeting looking the one lawyer in the eye with a blank expression on my face. This was the one I didn't like, the one who rubbed me the wrong way in the very beginning. To this day, I feel as though she was waiting for a reaction, for me to break down in tears, to beg and plead for the job, and I gave her nothing. It was all a blessing in disguise. I was plotting to leave but I always told myself that I would never leave a job without another one lined up. God had other plans.

I was self-employed all throughout 2019 and it was the hardest thing ever. I was use to hustling but this was different. I did enjoy the freedom, but the lack of steady income really got to me. 2019 was a very challenging year for me, yet somehow, I still managed to enjoy myself: I really was enjoying life. Although I love doing makeup, I was not ready to be a full-time makeup artist. I prayed that I got another job, I wrote it down, I dreamt about it, and then it happened at the end of the year. I accepted a full-time job offer as a Case Manager for a non-profit, a non-profit whose goal is to assist families in low-income communities with access to resources. It was perfect, it was something I manifested for sure. I remember the day I told myself I would do more for my community before transitioning into my next chapter in life. Then boom, I found this job.

Of course, it was nice at first: an all-Black organization. I worked alongside three amazing Black women who were also case managers, and everyone's goal was to help and give back to the community... it was good. Of course, that did not last long either and the same thing I went through at my last job, happened here. The main impact was due to Covid, which led to a spiral of events: friends quitting, coworkers getting laid off, departments closing, my workload increasing because it was just little ol' me… again. I lost the drive I once had, but I was still showing up for myself and my clients every day.

I’ve been at the job for a year and a few months and I’ve had this feeling for a while: my time is up. My mental health has not been the best these last 6 months and my job definitely aided in this. These past few weeks have been eye opening though. I’ve been having dreams of being a full-time makeup artist. The signs been there and I’ve been ignoring them afraid of my next steps. Eventually, I put in my two weeks and decided to just go for it. Not to be dramatic, but the day I submitted my notice, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. This time, working for myself does not scare me as much as it did back in 2019. This time, although I'm not 100% ready, I know I can do it. I didn't have this confidence back then. Although the lack of stability is frightening, especially since I have big girl bills now, it’s not stopping me from remaining in a place I’ve outgrown.

Working a 9-5 just isn’t for me right now, unless it’s at a place where I can express my creativity freely, which none of my prior jobs “allowed” me to do. I’m taking this leap of faith and putting fear behind, because I know this is something that needs to be done. I’ll be more than ok but most of all, I’ll be happy because I’m doing what I love to do. I’ll have more time to create, to study, to dedicate more time to my non-profit, to just BREATHE. It’s going to require a lot of discipline but I’m ready. So, here’s to new beginnings.

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